Will You Please Write The Dear John Letter For Me To My Redneck Bully Boyfriend?

dear todd,
I am breaking up with you. It seems as though you already have a fulfilling love relationship with your sister. Which is too bad, cause I am going to miss all of the exciting nights you took me cow tipping!
You may want to know for future reference that wearing a Brookes and Dunn t-shirt is not considered dressing up.. Also, you should really throw your undies in the wash…turning them inside out and putting them back on is not considered “getting them clean”.
btw, i totaled your pick-up truck, ran over your dog, and stole your “country’s greatest hits” cd.
have a wonderful redneck day!

Dear John, How’s your truck? How’s your mama? Are you sober yet? By the way it’s over between you and me. Please leave my mailbox alone and do your target practice in your own backyard. I will no longer save cans for you to spit your chew in. Bye, bye.

Dear Todd,
I was thinking that you are such a nice guy, absolutely too nice for me and I think you should find someone that will suit your personality, it’s not you it’s me, I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Luv, Mo

And how should I address the 4 by 4 block of wood?